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Friday 4 December 2020
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50FT RUSSELL CROWE ATTACKS TOKYO

50FT RUSSELL CROWE ATTACKS TOKYO
 
 

JAPAN – Reports are coming in that tempestuous actor Russell Crowe has attacked down town Tokyo in what one eye witness described as a “Mindless act of unprovoked violence.”

Russ was thought to be in Turkey directing the war epic The Water Diviner but fisherman Ichiro Suzuki has no doubt that it was Crowe rampaging through Japan’s capital city:

I was just cutting the fins off my 100th dolphin of the morning when I saw a whirlpool swirling by the side of my boat. Suddenly I caught the waft of cheap scotch and this giant monster appeared from the depths shouting obscenities in a New Zealand accent. I knew straight away it was Russell as I’d only recently taken back my Blu-ray copy of Robin Hood to the shops. Man that was a shitty movie.

Crowe is alleged to have wandered ashore and began wrecking buildings and turning over cars:

“Everyone was running away screaming” said photographer Akira Ichi.

 I was very scared but I managed to get close to him and take a few pictures. He was stumbling about the place and seemed very angry. I couldn’t understand everything he was saying but he seemed to be calling for aspirin and black coffee. 

 The Japanese military have been put on high alert and are currently sending several tank divisions into the city to deal with Crowe.

“We have the greatest of respect for Mr Crowe as an artist and it’s our hope we can resolve this peacefully,” said General Nakamora Tanaka.

However if he won’t stop his rampage. It will be my honour to fire missiles at him until he explodes.”

 
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