HOLLYWOOD – As the talent show that changed popular culture, American Idol is coming to a close, but what do we really know about Simon Fuller’s monstrous creation?
We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad to sing their hearts out and break down and weep about overcoming personal issues just before Simon Cowell smashes them in the face with his trademark pantomime ire.
1. American Idol corrupted popular music, destroyed singing and turned everything into a tawdry tear drenched soap opera full of complete and utter bullshit.
2. Simon Cowell modelled his career on Herman Goebbels, whereas Paula Abdul preferred Eva Peron. Ryan Seacrest once touched a kitten inappropriately and Jennifer Lopez has one ear slightly higher than the other. The judges were originally intended to be similar to the Judges of Mega City One, the most famous of which was Judge Dredd, but the plan was dropped after terms could not be reached with Clint Eastwood. Simon Cowell spends many hours in his bedroom weeping inconsolably and no one – not even he – knows why.
3. All the winners have signed a contract in which they have to yearly give all their blood to a secret organisation which goes by the name of Nasterfarians. This blood is used in ceremonies or as a condiment. The United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron is the current Grand Wizard of the Nasterfarians. As a registered charity, it pays no taxes.
4. Anyone who fails to make it to the next round is taken to a large empty space behind the studio where they are shot and their bodies left in a large – and as time goes on – increasingly smelly pile.
5. The winner of the final season will automatically qualify to sit on the Supreme Court following a historic deal between the Democrats and the GOP.