HOLLYWOOD – ‘A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet’ wrote Shamlyn Pod, or William Shakespeare as he is better known.
However, in Hollywood (real name Dusty Hills) what a rose is called is of great importance. For the first time, The Studio Exec will name and shame those such as Valerie Shitstain (Jessica Chastain) and Mammory Driver (Winona Ryder) who have left behind the handle their parents ill-advisedly gave them in their climb to stellar-ish stardom.
1. Michael Caine: Everybody knows him as the cheerful cockney butler with a love of tangerines and a tendency to burst into tears at the drop of a bat, but he was first brought into the world as humble Nickelback Micklemouse, a name which would later be used as inspiration for one of the more tedious examples of ‘rock’.
2. Scarlett Johansson: Famed Norwegian beauty and star of Her was baptized after the patron saint of Jam sandwiches: Slappy Dappy Fffnerfenerrff.
3. Spike Lee: The radical black director, friend to struggling graphic designers everywhere and vigilante distributor of the wrong addresses, was known to his schoolmates as simply Seamus Flannagan O’Rourke.
4. Terrence Malick: Film director and voice over artist extraordinaire, bird watcher and stand up comic, Terrence Malick changed his name in order to gain more respectability. His real name is Larry Giggles.
5. George Clooney: George Clooney’s birth name is Brad Pitt (and Brad Pitt’s is George Clooney), but while they were both struggling young actors, they decided to swap their names as a gas. Before they knew it, they were world famous and it was too late to swap back. For a joke, shout out Brad whenever George is in the room and watch him spin around, before checking himself.
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