Movie News

46 CRITICS DIE AT INDIANA JONES SCREENING

Lenny Delowitz Jan 26, 2014

HOLLYWOOD – The world of show business was in shock and mourning this evening after 46 of the world’s most respeced film critics were brutally killed during a special screening of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull: The Director Cut.

“We should have suspected something was amiss when the film was delivered in a lead case by a man in a Hazmat suit,” said screening room manager Mike Fitz:

But we naively assumed that it was all part of the show. Little did we know the horror that was about to unfold.

Peter Travers of Rolling Stone Magazine takes up the story:

As soon as the titles appeared on screen it was obvious that everyone in that room was in serious peril. I heard a scream of pain, looked to my left and saw Leonard Maltin’s face melting into his nachos. From then on everything seemed to move in slow motion. I heard somebody, I think it was Anne Thompson shout ‘DON’T LOOK AT THE SCREEN!’ and I spontaneously ducked behind Richard Brody’s beard. I don’t know how long it took them to shut it off but when the lights finally went up…well…let’s just say I’m glad Roger Ebert wasn’t alive to die like that.

British film critic Mark Kermode who only managed to survive because his quiff fell into his eyes, spoke to The Studio Exec about his terrible ordeal:

It’s fair to say that if I hadn’t been such a cheapskate and bought better quality hair gel I would not be here today. People keep telling me I had a lucky escape but it’s hard to feel lucky when you’ve spent the last hour scrubbing the gooey remains of A.O. Scott out of your crotch.

A full investigation into the incident has been launched and police say they are currently questioning Steven Spielberg but are anxious to talk to George Lucas.

“We are currently attempting to locate Mr Lucas,” said detective Rick Wigg:

We believe he has several secret bases. One in the centre of the earth, one on the dark side of the moon and one above a dry goods store somewhere in Cleveland. If any member of the public comes into contact with Mr Lucas we urge you not to approach him. Not because he’s dangerous, but in order to avoid inevitable disappointment.

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