HOLLYWOOD- The Oscars are over for another year and after the hoopla and the pizza and the selfie-aggrandizing, we can look forward to a few months free of Oscar speculation… WRONG!
The 2015 race starts today and The Studio Exec is quick out of the traps with 5 Oscar predictions which will not fail to be relevant and prescient.
1. John Travolta will host the 2015 ceremony.
2. Kevin James will appear in a series of gritty low budget independent movies with titles like Gravel, How I Killed your Mother and The Hemophiliac’s Spiky Staircase. With the latter having lost two thirds of his body weight, shaved his head and bled copiously on the cover of GQ, he will pick up his nomination. People will be talking about the Kevin Jamaissance as his HBO series Crack Baby garners great write ups and momentum builds to one of the unlikeliest wins in Academy history.
3. Old people will only be allowed to attend the ceremony for comedy purposes. Anyone over seventy will be expected to undergo a series of ritual humiliations – including have their plastic surgery records published online – while Ellen and Kevin Spacey laugh their heads off.
4. The final Hobbit film will receive a bunch of nominations in a vain attempt to stop Peter Jackson.
5. Women will wear clothes as they walk along a carpet which is weirdly outside. People will talk about those clothes with an enthusiasm and application that – if it was turned to the study of medicine – would cure cancer.
The Oscars will be broadcast sometime in 2015.