HOLLYWOOD – The new Star Wars The Force Awakens trailer hit last night and we have been studying rigorously all night.
The Studio Exec FACT squad felt a disturbance in the Force, when the Force Awakens Trailer hit last night, but we’ve managed to build an alliance of FACTS.
Here they are:
- Harrison Ford is in it, probably playing ‘Han Solo’.
- He is accompanied by a hairy character, perhaps this could be the same Chewbacca who featured in Episodes IV to VI, including Episode V.
- Jedi Knights are mentioned.
- There’s a robot.
- Finn (John Boyega)is a stormtrooper.
- Tatooine features.
- And perhaps Hoth.
- But not Alderan.
- A girl dresses as ET.
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the title of the film.
- It is coming out in December of this year. That is to say 2015.
- Carrie Fisher is in the new film.
- She is probably playing Princess Leia.
- There will be space ships.
- One of those spaceships looks likely to be The Millennium Falcon.
- Han Solo might be flying the Millennium Falcon, though it is difficult to tell.
- There is a light saber.
- And another.
- Tie Fighters are also visible in the trailer.
- No Jar Jar Binks (yet).
- Star Destroyers are great sources for scrap metal.
- Daisy Ridley plays a girl.
- Kylo Ren wears a hat.
- Darth Vader’s mask put in an appearance.
- Shoes will appear in an important subplot.
- Snow.
- Han Solo gets captured.
- Princess Leia cries.
- Not because Han Solo gets captured.
- Because Han Solo is holding her while she cries, so that can’t be why.
- No Luke Skywalker.
- Unless that was him.
- Chew bacca gets captured.
- Han Solo and Chewbacca gets captured.
- Llewyn Davis doesn’t play the guitar.
- He is flying an x-wing.
- There are x-wings.
- More robots.
- There are so many call backs to other Star Wars movies than this could be another JJ Abrams quote-a-thon.
- Stormtroopers appear.
- There is a shiny stormtrooper.
- Jedi knights and the dark side of the Force have been forgotten.
- Han Solo remembers though.
- He puts his hands up when he is captured.
- One of the spaceships blows up.
- Maybe more than one.
- There’s a blue light saber.
- And a red one.
- No sign of Wedge Antilles.
- Or Lando Calrissian.
- Ewan MacGregor isn’t in it.
- Or Alec Guinness.
- John Williams has done the music but not written any new tunes.
- Laser guns, or blasters, will also feature.
- Robots.
- Sand.
- Stuff.
- Lucasfilm still exists apparently.
- Alec Guinness apparently couldn’t even be bothered to return JJ Abrams’ calls.
- Sam Peckinpah is not directing it.
- Trailers still exist.
- Bad people are growly.
- Bad people say things like ‘There will be no one to stop us this time’ or something.
- Fascism is popular in the future.
- That band that Jabba the Hutt liked are not playing any more.
- Don Johnson is probably not in it.
- There’s 96% chance of lense flare.
- Carrie Fisher will not be wearing the golden bikini.
- Nobody asked Ewan McGregor to return.
- Because Ewan McGregor returning would mess with the time-line.
- But even if it didn’t, nobody would ask Ewan McGregor to return.
- Hayden Christensen was on the catering staff.
- He makes a mean cup of coffee, but a surprisingly weak cup of tea.
- John Boyega is black, I mean African-American. Except he’s English.
- He’s African-English.
- Which doesn’t sound right.
- Nobody eats meals in space.
- Or goes to the bathroom.
- Or swears.
- Or has sex.
- With their own kind or another species.
- Which must happen.
- It’s a liberal universe.
- Tom Hanks might be in it.
- But not Kevin James.
- The movie is an obvious allegory for Scientology.
- And a feminist demonization of the patriarchal society.
- And Gamer Gate.
- There’s a limited chance of full frontal nudity.
- Unless you count Chewbacca.
- Han Solo is a complete rip-off of Starlord from Guardians of the Galaxy.
- It’s going to end of on a cliff-hanger which might involve one of the characters actually hanging off a cliff.
- There will be a sequel which J.J Abrams will describe as being ‘Darker than the first.’
- There will be a surprise revelation about somebody being related to someone but you’d already guessed it.
- George Lucas will claim he “Hasn’t seen” the trailer.
- George Lucas will say he’s not even talked to anyone who has seen it.
- Tonight George Lucas will dry sob into his pillow.
- Filled with money.
- On a bed.
- Made of money.
- Space will appear.
- This is the first Star Wars film to have Stars and Wars in the same picture.
- Except for all the others.
- Empire Strikes Back will still be the best Star Wars film.
- Follow by Return of the Jedi.
- And then Attack of the Clones.
- Then Star Wars.
- Wait I got that in the wrong order.
- I don’t have an iPhone 6.
- Eating beans are good for the heart, though the more you eat them, the more you fart.
- Will anyone actually read down to the bottom of this list?
- This is not the most ridiculous lists of things we have learned from the Force Awakens trailer.
- It’s only a f*cking film.
- But still it is exciting.
- Shit, I didn’t mention R2D2.
- Or C3PO.
- Luke Skywalker is everyone’s father.
Star Wars The Force Awakens will be released on December 18th, 2015.
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