117 THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE NEW STAR WARS THE FORCE AWAKENS TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The new Star Wars The Force Awakens trailer hit last night and we have been studying rigorously all night.

The Studio Exec FACT squad felt a disturbance in the Force, when the Force Awakens Trailer hit last night, but we’ve managed to build an alliance of FACTS.

Here they are:

1. Harrison Ford is in it, probably playing ‘Han Solo’.
2. He is accompanied by a hairy character, perhaps this could be the same Chewbacca who featured in Episodes IV to VI, including Episode V.
3. Jedi Knights are mentioned.
4. There’s a robot.
5. Finn (John Boyega)is a stormtrooper.
6. Tatooine features.
7. And perhaps Hoth.
8. But not Alderan.
9. A girl dresses as ET.
10. Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the title of the film.
11. It is coming out in December of this year. That is to say 2015.
12. Carrie Fisher is in the new film.
13. She is probably playing Princess Leia.
14. There will be space ships.
15. One of those spaceships looks likely to be The Millennium Falcon.
16. Han Solo might be flying the Millennium Falcon, though it is difficult to tell.
17. There is a light saber.
18. And another.
19. Tie Fighters are also visible in the trailer.
20. No Jar Jar Binks (yet).
21. Star Destroyers are great sources for scrap metal.
22. Daisy Ridley plays a girl.
23. Kylo Ren wears a hat.
24. Darth Vader’s mask put in an appearance.
25. Shoes will appear in an important subplot.
26. Snow.
27. Han Solo gets captured.
28. Princess Leia cries.
29. Not because Han Solo gets captured.
30. Because Han Solo is holding her while she cries, so that can’t be why.
31. No Luke Skywalker.
32. Unless that was him.
33. Chew bacca gets captured.
34. Han Solo and Chewbacca gets captured.
35. Llewyn Davis doesn’t play the guitar.
36. He is flying an x-wing.
37. There are x-wings.
38. More robots.
39. There are so many call backs to other Star Wars movies than this could be another JJ Abrams quote-a-thon.
40. Stormtroopers appear.
41. There is a shiny stormtrooper.
42. Jedi knights and the dark side of the Force have been forgotten.
43. Han Solo remembers though.
44. He puts his hands up when he is captured.
45. One of the spaceships blows up.
46. Maybe more than one.
47. There’s a blue light saber.
48. And a red one.
49. No sign of Wedge Antilles.
50. Or Lando Calrissian.
51. Ewan MacGregor isn’t in it.
52. Or Alec Guinness.
53. John Williams has done the music but not written any new tunes.
54. Laser guns, or blasters, will also feature.
55. Robots.
56. Sand.
57. Stuff.
58. Lucasfilm still exists apparently.
59. Alec Guinness apparently couldn’t even be bothered to return JJ Abrams’ calls.
60. Sam Peckinpah is not directing it.
61. Trailers still exist.
62. Bad people are growly.
63. Bad people say things like ‘There will be no one to stop us this time’ or something.
64. Fascism is popular in the future.
65. That band that Jabba the Hutt liked are not playing any more.
66. Don Johnson is probably not in it.
67. There’s 96% chance of lense flare.
68. Carrie Fisher will not be wearing the golden bikini.
69. Nobody asked Ewan McGregor to return.
70. Because Ewan McGregor returning would mess with the time-line.
71. But even if it didn’t, nobody would ask Ewan McGregor to return.
72. Hayden Christensen was on the catering staff.
73. He makes a mean cup of coffee, but a surprisingly weak cup of tea.
74. John Boyega is black, I mean African-American. Except he’s English.
75. He’s African-English.
76. Which doesn’t sound right.
77. Nobody eats meals in space.
78. Or goes to the bathroom.
79. Or swears.
80. Or has sex.
81. With their own kind or another species.
82. Which must happen.
83. It’s a liberal universe.
84. Tom Hanks might be in it.
85. But not Kevin James.
86. The movie is an obvious allegory for Scientology.
87. And a feminist demonization of the patriarchal society.
88. And Gamer Gate.
89. There’s a limited chance of full frontal nudity.
90. Unless you count Chewbacca.
91. Han Solo is a complete rip-off of Starlord from Guardians of the Galaxy.
92. It’s going to end of on a cliff-hanger which might involve one of the characters actually hanging off a cliff.
93. There will be a sequel which J.J Abrams will describe as being ‘Darker than the first.’
94. There will be a surprise revelation about somebody being related to someone but you’d already guessed it.
95. George Lucas will claim he “Hasn’t seen” the trailer.
96. George Lucas will say he’s not even talked to anyone who has seen it.
97. Tonight George Lucas will dry sob into his pillow.
98. Filled with money.
99. On a bed.
100. Made of money.
101. Space will appear.
102. This is the first Star Wars film to have Stars and Wars in the same picture.
103. Except for all the others.
104. Empire Strikes Back will still be the best Star Wars film.
105. Follow by Return of the Jedi.
106. And then Attack of the Clones.
107. Then Star Wars.
108. Wait I got that in the wrong order.
109. I don’t have an iPhone 6.
110. Eating beans are good for the heart, though the more you eat them, the more you fart.
111. Will anyone actually read down to the bottom of this list?
112. This is not the most ridiculous lists of things we have learned from the Force Awakens trailer.
113. It’s only a f*cking film.
114. But still it is exciting.
115. Shit, I didn’t mention R2D2.
116. Or C3PO.
117. Luke Skywalker is everyone’s father.

Star Wars The Force Awakens will be released on December 18th, 2015.