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MARK WAHLBERG HALLOW APP BOUGHT BY AMAZON

BREAKING NEWS – Bezo’s bookstore bankrupting company, Amazon have purchased the Mark Wahlberg Hallow app from the Catholic Church for an undisclosed sum. The Christian based app will now come as an additional perk for those who have Amazon Prime membership. Soon Prime subscribers will be able to pray online for Mark Wahlberg’s numerous racially aggravated assaults to be forgiven. We caught up with the hard hitting, hard praying star for his feelings on this acquisition.

How Do You Feel About the Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Being Bought By Amazon?

I’m so buzzed for it man, praise the lord. I’ve seen the light, and the color of that light is green. All the way to the bank baby, praise be. I want everyone to drop to their knees, like good god fearing, penitent consumers and download the mother fuck out that app. Then get praying for my forgiveness for those trivial little racially charged beatings I dished out. Only 99cents per pray. Can I get an amen?

Do You Not Feel Monetizing People’s Faith Is Cynical?

The Vatican literally has a bank, you dumb mother fucker. If the church just gave up all its wealth to help the poor, needy and starving, what would happen to the holy bankers? What would happen to the ordained actuaries and the reverend risk managers? I think you’ve been hitting the blood of Christ a bit hard. You know what I’m saying?

Do You Ever Think This Might Harm Your Acting Career?

Let’s face facts man. I was in a Martin Scorsese Best Picture Oscar winner with The Departed. I told Martin Sheen, Leonardo DiCaprio AND Matt Damon to go fuck themselves. And you know what, I was ok in it. It aint ever gonna get better than that. I know what I am and I know I peaked back then. And I peaked the fuck out of it baby. So I’ll make this slushy religious garbage because those suckers can’t invest their god-given money quick enough.

The Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Is Available To Download

PRATT V WORTHINGTON MEDIOCRITY MATCH-UP

HOLLYWOOD – If you like your lead actors non-descript, not too good looking and with more than a slight hint of vanilla about them, they’re your guys. Having built their whole careers around being able to stare at tennis balls on the ends of sticks, they’ve somehow made it to the top. That’s right, it’s a Studio Exec Pratt v Worthington Mediocrity Matchup. We examine which of them is truly the most mediocre movie meh.

Pratt V Worthington Mediocrity Matchup!

Sam’s big breakthrough role came in James Cameron’s Avatar. A film where he had a team of hundreds animating his face for the vast majority of the film. Chris Pratt rose to fame in Parks And Recreation. He played Andy Dwyer, an unintelligent, loveable rogue. He then expanded his range when he played Starlord in The Guardians Of The Galaxy, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… in space. Few could have predicted his turn in Jurassic World, where he played Owen Grady, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… with dinosaurs.

Sam The Franchise Killer

Sam went on to singlehandedly destroy the Terminator franchise as well as the whole 3D film industry as Perseus in the remake of Clash Of The Titans. His stone cold performance resembled a Medusa victim and made Harry Hamlin look like Daniel Day-Lewis.

The Roles That Got Away

Sam famously lost out to Daniel Craig for James Bond. But then again, we don’t know how close he came to being Bond. I sent in my showreel and heard fuck all back from EON Productions. So does that mean I also lost out to Daniel Craig for the role? And who can forget the rumors that Pratt was being touted to play Indiana Jones. Just imagine Indiana Jones and The Ancient Fart Gag, directed by James Gunn.

Mediocrity Matchup: Winners And Losers

The tagline for Alien Vs Predator was ’Whoever Wins, We Lose’. Well, with this mediocrity matchup, this has never been truer.

AVATAR: AD NAUSEUM Will Saturate Your Multiplex This Coming December

AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT

BREAKING NEWS – The AFI erasing Jon Voight from every film he has appeared in stems from his right wing defamatory comments released in videos over the last few years.

AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT – CANCEL CULTURE CLUB?

The controversial move came just hours after Voight released another right rambling video, demanding President Biden is impeached. Previous videos from the actor stated his support for Trump’s widespread election fraud baseless claims and ‘leftists’ were in league with Satan. The new AFI Chairperson, Pauly Shore said, “Look, we can’t put up with this kind of shit any longer. Yeah, yeah, freedom of speech, blah, blah. But come one, there’s limits. He’s just peddling conspiracy gibberish that’s triggering fuckwit fascists around the country. This shit has to stop.

AU REVOIR VOIGHT

We have taken the decision to basically remove this mother fucker from every film he’s ever been in. Ground-breaking new CGI technology means we have been able to remove his presence from any film he ever appeared in. To be honest, the results were even more positive than we’d hoped for.

TOM CRUISE RUNNING – NO CHANGE THERE

Runaway Train will now be about two people who are victims of mechanical failure on a train. Mission Impossible will be Tom Cruise running around looking confused for no reason, so no real change there. Coming Home will be a rom-com where Jane Fonda is obsessed with an empty wheelchair and falls in love with Bruce Dern, which is kinda nice. The Odessa file will be about a bunch of Nazis who eventually turn themselves in. And finally The Champ will now just be about a kid who gets really upset by a shadow boxing performance artist.

THE INVISIBLE MAN

Luckily, he’s done fuck all that anyone would want to see for the last 20 years, so we don’t even have to bother with anything modern. Seriously, who gives shit? Am I right? Am I right? We’ll put the films out as a box set, just to serve as a warning to any fucking celeb idiots out there. This shit will not stand, man.

THE ALT-VOIGHT BOX SET WILL SHORTLY BE AVAILABLE ONLINE

STAR WARS: DEATH STAR JANITORS REALITY SHOW ON DISNEY+

BREAKING NEWS: Following up on the runaway success of the Obi Wan-Kenobi series, Disney+ have announced Star Wars: Death Star Janitors will premiere on the streaming service this November. The reality show will follow a team of hopeful cleaners competing to earn a much coveted job on the genocidal space station. The Exec caught up with Kathleen Kennedy to talk about the high concept reality show.

Kathleen, Where Did You Get The Idea For Star Wars: Death Star Janitors?

Honestly? It was the only idea we hadn’t made from the Disney+ Canteen Suggestions Box. We’re getting kinda desperate now. Can you tell? I know I have more money than anyone else in the world that isn’t responsible for war crimes, but at what cost? I remember the good old days when I would hang out with George. We weren’t greedy; we only had a couple of billion dollars between us. It was a simpler time. We were happier back then.

Has This Work Left You Feeling Unfulfilled?

In a way, it has. I mean, yeah sure, I have my own island where I rule the population like a malignant, petulant god. But that’s only fun for some of the time. I wanted to make films that were important, that had something truly meaningful to say. Something like Taken or Taken 2.

What Do Those Films Have To Say That’s Important?

I dunno. Get off my kids? Foreigners are dangerous and frightening? Who do you think I am? I produce Star Wars shit, I aint no philosopher.

Tell Us About This New Reality Show.

There’s not much to tell. It takes place during the build up to and behind the scenes of Episode IV: A New Hope. That film is going on in the background and the contestant’s task is to clear up after all the mess the escaping rebels make. Think of it as Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead crossed with Big Brother.

You Really Have Given Up, Haven’t You?

Yep.

Star Wars: Death Star Janitors Premieres On Disney+ This Coming November

COCKTAIL II: BINGE DRINKER GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD: In the wake of the global runaway success of Top Gun: Maverick, another Tom Cruise legacy sequel has been announced. Cocktail II: Binge Drinker goes into production shortly. Cruise will reprise his role as barman, Brian Flannagan. Only in this movie, luck has not been on Brian’s side. We caught up with Cruise to discuss his latest challenge.

Tom, Thanks For Taking The Time To Speak With Us.

Woo! Yeah! Woo! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS!

Can You Come Down Off The Couch, Please Tom. This Isn’t Oprah.

Sorry man. I’m just on a real high after making all the fucking money in the world. Now I finally know how James Cameron felt. I’m flying in the mother-fucking Thetan rocket, baby.

Tom. Please. Sit Down.

Ok, it’s cool, man. I’m sitting. Right, where were we?

You Were Going To Tell Us About Cocktail II: Binge Drinker?

Yeah, so the film continues to tell the story of barman supremo, Brian Flannagan. Only now, he’s down on his luck. Everyone he’s ever loved has left him. Jordan, who was played by Elisabeth Shue left him years ago.

So Elisabeth Isn’t In This Film?

No way, man. She’s really old now. We didn’t get Kelly McGillis in on Maverick and we aren’t going against my policy now. If the leading lady is the same age as me, she’s too fucking old. But anyway. Brian’s a real barfly these days. He’s one of those guys who just sits at the end of a bar, moaning about his kids who don’t want to see him. Think Jon Voight, but smells more of piss and booze. That’s me. I’ll tell ya, prep has been hard going. I’ve had to learn to drink a lot.

Where Did You Prepare For That?

In the UK, while we were shooting Mission Impossible 15, or whatever. Those fuckers can really drink over there. Have you seen Newcastle city center on a Saturday night? It’s like the last days of Rome, but everything smells of vomit and Doner Kebabs.

That Sounds Awful. Did You Join In?

Hell yeah. I can drink 9 pints of Newcastle Brown Ale without vomiting. I mean, they’re fucking nuts. No wonder they voted to leave the EU. They’re basically Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Those bastards have just pushed the big red self-destruct button. They’re just waiting for sweet oblivion. And that’s what the movie is like.

It Sounds Terrible.

Yeah? Well I got a billion dollars, so fuck you.

Tom Cruise Is Currently Appearing In Top Gun: Maverick

STAR WARS FANDOM IS NOT RACIST

HOLLYWOOD – Following shocking reports of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Moses Ingram being bombarded with racist abuse, fans of the franchise insisted Star Wars fandom is not racist. We spoke to a source within the Star Wars fandom community, who for some reason, wanted to remain anonymous.

Can You Explain Why Star Wars Fandom Isn’t Racist? Because It Kind OF Seems That Way From The Outside.

I want this to be anonymous. Is my face blacked out? Oh, actually I don’t mean blacked. I mean… oh Christ! And, and not just Christ, Allah also. And the Jewish one, but that might be Christ also. He was king of the jews, wasn’t he? Is there an atheist equivalent? Dawkins, Stephen Fry or Carl Sagan? Oh shit. What was the question again?

This Is A Written Interview, Nobody Will See Your Face.

Thank goodness for that. I can’t say too much. I’m risking everything just talking to you.

Why Is That?

Why?! Some of those guys, because let’s face it, they’re gonna be guys, are fucking crazy man. As long we’re all hating the same things they hate, everything is sweet. But as soon as you differ a parsec from what they love or hate (there’s no in-between), they will hunt you down to the farthest reaches of the outer rim. And by that I mean Facebook.

To Be Honest, It Doesn’t Sound Like A Very Friendly Community.

You know, it used to be great. We’d all rank our favorite bounty hunters or talk about how to pronounce Gamorrean. But then, the prequels came out and Jar-Jar happened. That’s when things got ugly. I blame Jar-Jar. But we all eventually got over that and we had a new trilogy to look forward to. And in the trailer, they gave us that shot of John Boyega. And then Kelly Marie Tran happened.

Sounds To Me Like You Have A Problem With People Of Color And Women Who Aren’t White?

Yeah? Well, think what you want buddy. But I know we can all agree that Darth Vader is cool as fuck… and white.

You Do Know James Earl Jones Is Black, Don’t You?

He’s what?

Get Out Of Here You Racist Piece Of Shit.

Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Currently Streaming On Disney+

PADDINGTON BEAR HORROR REBOOT GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey horror reimagining, a Paddington Bear horror reboot has been announced. The gore-fest will be directed by Eli Roth and begins shooting later this summer. The Exec caught up with eternal frat boy horror aficionado, Roth as he finalized pre-production on the Paddington Bear horror reboot.

Eli, What Attracted You To A Paddington Bear Horror Reboot?

Hey bros. You know me, when it comes to bucking horror trends, I’m Phi Beta Kappa. I was never on board the torture porn trend with Hostel. Nor was I on board the remake gravy train with Death Wish. And I will never be on the videogame movie band wagon with Borderlands. When I heard there was an opportunity to make a beloved children’s bear character into a horror icon, I leaped at the chance. Here was another opportunity to prove what an original creative force I am.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Only a little. It’s going to be a home invasion story. Where a Peruvian immigrant bear stalks and terrorizes the Brown family. Think The Purge crossed with Straw Dogs, but he’s not a dog. He’s a bear and he’s not made of straw. I never got why they called it Straw Dogs. What kind of stupid title is that? It should’ve been called Shootsie or The Graduate II: Braddock’s Revenge. That would have been way cooler, bro.

Can You Tell Us Any Cast News?

I shouldn’t really, but you seem like a cool dude, man. We got Robert Englund playing Henry Brown and Sybil Danning as Mary Brown.

And Who Is Playing Paddington?

We got Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit providing the movements, but we aint using him for the voice. We have Rob Zombie providing the voice. He brings a real guttural heft to the character that has never been explored before. Plus he sounds like he’d tear you a new assshole.

Paddington Bear: Flesh Shredder Starts Filming Shortly

DEPP VS HEARD MOVIE CAST

HOLLYWOOD – As the final days in the trial of the century play out, the Depp Vs Heard movie has been announced with a cast already in place. The movie will be called Turds Of Endearment. Danny Devito will play Amber Heard and Johnny Depp will be played by Charlie Day. The Exec spoke with writer, director and producer on the project Sidney Fastbuck.

Sidney, Where Did You Get The Idea for a Depp Vs Heard Movie?

In a word? TikTok. My timeline is full of their bullshit. It used to be badly edited videos of dogs jumping over pools of crocodiles. But now, it’s one or both of them pouting like their life depended on it. So I thought, if these douchebags are getting rich from those douchebags, then why can’t I?

I Assume This Is Going To Be A Comedy?

Why would you assume that? I’ve written a heartbreaking drama about love gone bad.

But Your Cast Suggests It’s An Extended It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Episode.

It’s Always what now?

Sunny In Philadelphia. They Even Did An Episode Entitled Who Pooped The Bed.

I’ve never heard of that show in my life. If you ask me, it sounds disgusting. Who’s in it?

Your Two Leads, Danny DeVito and Charlie Day.

They never mentioned any of that to me. How weird is that? Still, it can’t be very popular if I’ve never heard of it.

It’s Ran For 15 Seasons So Far.

15? Huh. Well, it’s too late now, I’ve had the sets built. Do you know how expensive it was to recreate all the Pirates Of The Caribbean, Aquaman and Justice League sets? $440million. Just for a few shots of them in their respective careers.

Could You Not Get The Rights To Use Actual Footage From Those Movies?

Sorry, do what?

Surely It Would Have Been Far Cheaper To Just Buy The Footage Of Those Films.

Son of a bitch. I never thought of that. You’re a smart kid, y’know.

I’m 48 Years Old.

Turds Of Endearment Begins Shooting Later This Summer

TOP GUN ATTACK OF THE THETANS ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick, Tom Cruise has announced Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans will go into production this Fall. The surprise announcement came after the world premiere of the fighter jet sequel at Cannes. The Studio Exec caught up with Tom to discuss Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans, which is slated for a summer 2025 release.

Tom, Where Did You Get The Idea For Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans?

I got the idea for another Top Gun movie when we started to see the financial projections for Top Gun: Maverick. It’s gonna make a shit ton of money. It then occurred to me that I love making money and people will pay me money to do just about anything. Well, apart from The Mummy. So I thought, why not make another Top Gun movie. That’ll make even more money, which by the way, I love. If you get enough money, you become rich. Then you can do anything. And I mean anything.

I Meant More Specifically Why Attack Of The Thetans?

Ah, I see what you’re getting at. My apologies. Y’see it’s all well and good having people hurling themselves around the sky in jet fighters. That’s very exciting. But it’s not something your average Joe and Joanna can relate to. So I thought, what about the Thetans? If we can get them involved in the franchise, it will ground it (no pun intended). Everyone can relate to Thetans. The way I pitched it to my terrified studio liaison was Top Gun meets Battlefield Earth meets Independence Day. Who wouldn’t want to see that movie?

Are You Being Serious?

Yeah, of course. You’d have to be insane to not want to see that. Or you’d certainly be on several Hollywood blacklists if you said anything to the contrary. Those blacklists totally don’t exist, by the way. But it is nice to have friends, and family, and a career. Isn’t it, you piece of shit.

I’m Sorry, What Did You Say?

There’s no need to apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong… yet. But it’s up to you whether you do or not. Just remember, all our actions have consequences. Far reaching, permanent consequences.

I Love The Sound Of This Movie!

I knew you’d see it my way.

Top Gun: Maverick Is Out In Cinemas Later This Week

CANNES MUST SEE LIST

CANNES 2022 – The Studio Exec Cannes Must See List is as much a part of the festival as Lars Von Trier making a dick of himself or paying 6000Euros to stay in a broom closet that smells of piss. Let us guide you through the must-see events and highlights of this year’s festival. Trip the light fantastic with our Cannes Must See List.

No Cannes Boo!

No trip to Cannes would be complete without a boo and a walkout by some overentitled journalist. They probably only claim to be a film critic so they can stay in their sister in law’s Gites outsides Cannes on a free holiday. If you don’t see at least one film with boos and walkouts, you’re not doing it right.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

With last year’s red carpet showdown between Jodie Foster and Adam Driver a thing of the past, Cannes has a reputation to upkeep. After the fallout of what many are calling SmithRock at this year’s Oscars, speculation is rife over who will see red on the red carpet. Will it be Jane Campion facing off with Power Of The Dog naysayer, Sam Eliot? Or will Hollywood’s Scrappydoo, Tom Cruise be saying ‘Lemme at ‘em’ while a 5ft 9” bodyguard effortlessly holds him back from anyone who ‘gives him evils’.

Car Crash Press Conferences

Which ego-maniacal director will go off at the deep end and declare their empathy for the Nazis this year? Good ol’ Lars Von Sneer set the bar pretty low several years ago with his lunatic ramblings, apologies and retracted apologies. As long as supply channels of cocaine remain open in the south of France, chances are, he won’t be the last. By the way, is Mel Gibson going this year? Just asking for a friend.

Cannes Must See Shopping List

Whatever you watch at this year’s festival, you’re bound to bump into journalists. They’ll be easy to spot. They’ll be the ones that look like Henry Kissinger on meth. They’ll stink of free wine and struggle to carry all their giftbags from studios whose films they’ll impartially review. Have a great festival everyone, they sure will.

The Annual Cannes Film Festival Takes Place At Cannes Every Year.

CAMERON ANNOUNCES TITANIC 2, 3, 4 & 5

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar and Terminator director, James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 will all go into production shortly. The news that James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 means that he will be shooting movies for fifteen years. The Studio Exec caught up with the director on the set of his latest film, Avatar 4: Ably Obtaining The Unobtainable Unobtanium.

Where Did You Get The Idea For Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5?

As you know, I’m not one for chasing money. Usually I abhor such lavish productions. But I was floating in my gigantic flooded underwater sound studio one day and Boom! I had a little idea. People pay a lot of money to watch any old shit. So I put 2 and 2 billion together and came up with an idea for a Titanic sequel. Actually, a whole fucking series of them.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Of course I can. I’m KING OF THE WORLD! We join marine biologist, Sarah Connor as she travels to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There she boards a submarine and joins an underwater oil drilling crew. Together, they will stumble across something that will shock everyone.

It’s Aliens, Isn’t It?

Yeah, but not nice watery ones. These ones come in big slimy eggs. Guess what happens then? Go on, guess. You’ll never get it.

If You Say Chestburster, James Cameron, So Help Me I’m Leaving.

No, I wasn’t going to say that at all. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Don’t Lie To The Exec, James. You’re Full Of Shit.

Honest! I wasn’t going to say that.

Ok Then. My Apologies. Please Continue.

These killer robots are sent back in time to kill Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and Sarah Connor. And then-

This Interview Is Over.

Avatar: The Way Of Water Is Released This Coming December.

UFC CAMPION V ELLIOTT ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of their public spat regarding Campion’s Oscar nominated The Power Of The Dog, a UFC Campion V Elliott cage match has been announced. The fight will take place at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. The UFC Campion V Elliott fight will be broadcast live directly after the Oscars.

Grudge Match

Bad feelings between the two started brewing when Elliott gave an interview where he called Campion’s The Power OF The Dog ‘a piece of shit.’ Campion responded in kind in an Esquire interview where she called Elliott a ‘Bit of a bitch’. Tempers frayed from there and when the two bumped into each other at a charity gala in Beverly Hills, Campion launched a terrifying physical attack on Elliott. Witnesses to the fracas said, ‘Campion flew at him like she was possessed. She kicked him in the balls before round-housing him in the throat.’

Not In The Balls

Elliott reportedly squealed at a pitch nobody had ever heard come from the rich baritoned actor before. He screamed, ‘Not in the balls! You just crossed a line Campion. I’m gonna kick the shit out of you, padre.’ Campion responded by laughing in his face before flat-palming her hand into his nose. As the blood ran into his mouth, he spat through the crimson, ‘You piece of shit. You name the time and the place. We’re gonna do this properly.’ And with that, he ran away holding his dripping nose.

Let’s Get Ready To Ruuuuumble!

Within days, their respective agents had arranged the standard UFC sanctioned grudge match, which will take place at the Vegas MGM Grand Hotel. It’s going to take place directly after the Oscars. So Campion, whose The Power Of The Dog is nominated for both Best Picture and Director will not be attending the ceremony should she win. She will instead be backstage in Vegas, warming up for her fight. Sam Elliott, who isn’t troubling any of the Oscar categories this year, has been in intensive training since the fight was announced. ‘I’ve been doing a lot of road work and sparring with Tyson Fury.’ said the Blue Jean Cop and Big Lebowski star. ‘I’m in the shape of my life.’ He added, ‘I’m gonna nail this scene in one take… down.’

Shit’s Getting Real

Campion has been equally intense in her preparations by staying with Shaolin monks and learning their fighting secrets. She had this to say on the upcoming fight, ‘Shit’s getting real, man. I’m going to tear that piece of shit a new asshole. I’ve been training in Shaolin ways. I can shove my hands into hot gravel and everything. This is going to make one mother f**king badass movie. And my training sessions will be the perfect montage. It’ll make Rocky IV look like a f**king picnic. Bring him on. I’m thirsty for rhinestone cowboy blood.’

The Fight Takes Place After This Year’s Oscars Ceremony

THE BATMAN THE REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – With the release of Matt Reeves’ The Batman, the review is here. The Studio Exec delves into what worked well and didn’t work so well in THE BATMAN THE REVIEW.

Holy Shoegazing Batman!

Thankfully, The Batman spares us yet another origin story. If you’re going in to this film unaware Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed yada-yada-yada, then congratulations on living on a desert island for the last 50 years and maybe this film might be a bit much for your introduction into post studio-system cinema. Perhaps try Bonnie and Clyde, and then work your way up from there. But we join our caped crusader as he investigates a mysterious murder at the invitation of Jeffrey Wright’s Lieutenant Gordon. The murder is gruesome and there clues aplenty, even a riddle or two. And as he leaves the scene the cheery Nirvana ditty Something In The Way strikes up. The mood is set.

Holy Floppy Hair!

Robert Pattinson’s Bruce Wayne is a billionaire emo who is sad. We can tell he is sad by the angle he holds his head and how he walks, like a teenager who has been told to be home by midnight and not to spend all night standing outside that 7-Eleven smoking Marlboro Golds all night long.

Holy Imperial March!

The music and score is wonderful, but the main theme’s melody owes a great deal to the Star Wars Imperial March, which can be a little distracting. As the music plays you expect to see a completely different black cape clad iconic character emerge from the darkness.

Holy Sore Throat!

Most of the male characters in the movie are attempting to out-do Pattinson’s rough sounding Batvoice except for all of the lower ranked ‘toughs’ and ‘hoods’ who all sound like they’ve been plucked straight from Rocksteady’s Batman: Arkham series of games.

Holy Bang For Your Buck!

The action set pieces are spectacular and this version of the Batmobile is wonderful. It’s no indestructible Tumbler as in Nolan’s trilogy, but that makes it all the more thrilling to see it in action. The fight scenes are brutal and bone crunching. And the villains’ gallery is well populated with turns by Colin Farrell as The Penguin, John Turturro as Carmine Falcone. Paul Dano reprises his Prisoners role as The Riddler. Zoe Kravitz does all she can with what she’s given as Catwoman, but more could have been made of her character. And why does it always have to be ‘sexy skin-tight Halloween costume’? Why not a practical boiler suit and steel toed flat boots? Oh well.

Holy Summary!

There is more than a whiff of Fincher’s Seven in the art design, which is no bad thing and Pattinson is likely to develop nicely in future outings. So, pretty good if you like that kind of thing. Now let’s all funk it out to Prince’s Batdance.

The Batman Is Currently In Cinemas EVERYWHERE!

OSCARS INTRODUCE BOOTCAMP WEEK

BREAKING NEWS: The Oscars introduce Bootcamp Week, which will require all nominees to spend a week performing tasks and songs in order to gain ‘Oscar Credits’. These credits will go towards the final vote count to decide who picks up the coveted awards. So, as the Oscars introduce Bootcamp Week, we asked The Academy’s spokesman, Charles ‘Whitey’ Whiteman about this latest announcement.

Is Oscars Bootcamp Week An Attempt To Win Ratings?

I’m glad you me asked that question. Let me be quite clear about this. I have always firmly held this opinion. No matter what anyone else may tell you. Those in the main stream mass media would have you believe otherwise. But I am not for turning and I believe I have the full support of my colleagues on this issue. And it is an issue. A vitally important issue.

You Haven’t Answered My Question.

Didn’t I? My apologies. I used to be a GOP Advisor, old habits die hard.

Well? You Still Didn’t Answer.

Oh yeah, apologies again. Um… no. No it isn’t.

But You Can Understand How People See This As Part Of A Long List Of Changes? Changes That Are Moving The Oscars Away From Being The Most Coveted Award In The Movie Industry Into A Reality Show.

Not at all. We are simply introducing Bootcamp Week so all the viewers can make up their mind on which nominee in each category has the best story, the best journey while in the Oscars House. A just dead Nanna or Grampa always helps also. People are a sucker for a sob story.

There’s A House?

Oh yeah. We’re gonna have a diary room, voice coaches, dance coaches and daily challenges for luxury food. There will be a vote on who stays and who goes through to the grand final. The final being the Oscars live award show, brought to you in association with Pepto Bismol. Pepto, because watching the Oscars, is shitty enough.

That All Sounds Terrible.

You’re welcome.