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WHERE EAGLES DARE REMAKE RELEASE DELAYED AGAIN

HOLLYWOOD – Len Wiseman’s remake of the Second World War classic Where Eagles Dare pushed to 2023.

The Where Eagles Dare remake scheduled for a Fall release will now show in early 2023. The action-packed snow-bound reboot sees Shia LaBeouf take the role Shaffer played by Clint Eastwood whereas Jude Law takes on the mantle of Richard Burton as Major Smith. Len Wiseman ‘director’ says that the film will be an improvement on the original.

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RYAN MURPHY: DAHMER SEASON 2 ‘FULL OF SURPRISES’

HOLLYWOOD – Netflix super-show Dahmer gets a second season.

Dahmer has split opinion the way his drill split skulls. But showrunner Ryan Murphy is not making any apology for his serial killing hit.

‘All those motherfxxkers can fxxk off,’ he told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY. ‘Yeah if it’s Ted Bundy, you all cream in your shorts, but no love for poor Jeffrey huh? Wonder why?’

But how are you going to shoot a second season? Didn’t you kind of tell the whole story?

I don’t recognise that as a legitimate question. You wouldn’t ask Game of Thrones guys why did you bring back Jon Snow? Or the Ancient Egyptians when they made Dallas, why they brought back Bobby Ewing? That question is unfair and stupid.

You make points.

Why thank you!

There’s no need to take off your hat with such a flourish. And anyway, those shows are different.

How so?

They’re not based on real life.

Neither’s Dahmer.

Dahmer is based on real life though.

No, it isn’t. Are you telling me Jeffrey Dahmer was a real person who actually murdered people and ate people and did all the horrible things we show?

Yes.

Who the fuck would want to see such a thing?

I know.

Jesus Christ. And think of how the families of the victims must feel. I think I feel ill.

Well, people have brought that up. Including the families of the victims.

Fuck that’s disgusting. To think someone trying to make such pain and suffering into edgy entertainment. What assholes we all are?

So no Season 2 huh?

What are you talking about? Dahmer in Space is going to blow your motherfxxking minds!

Dahmer in Space is due in 2024.

WARNER BROS BOARD MEET TO DISCUSS THE FLASH

Another day, another Ezra Miller story dominates the Hollywood news sites. Finally, the Warner Bros board meet to discuss the fate of their ailing DC tentpole movie, The Flash. The Studio Exec has the inside scoop on what went on behind the closed boardroom doors.

Warner Bros Board Meet To Discuss The Flash

At a secret location in Griffith Park, suspiciously close to Los Angeles Zoo, the Warner Bros Board meet to discuss the fate of The Flash. The finest bananas money could buy were shipped in especially. And with some of the world’s most prominent designers of tyre swings and tricycles on retainer at the Hollywood studio, rumors of an emergency board meeting were rife in Tinsel town.

Warner Bros Quit Monkeying Around

Some of the studio’s most powerful Simians were there. CEO and King Of The Swingers, King Louie chaired the meeting. CFO and disturbingly blonde Dr. Zaius from the original Planet Of The Apes talked at length about risk aversion, tax write-offs and strategies for reducing net losses. His strategies didn’t appear that popular amongst the majority of the board, who threw their shit at him.

Right Turn Clyde

Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose proposed a motion to blow raspberries and give everyone the finger while eating Ma’s Oreo cookies. And King Kong wanted the whole operation moved to The Empire State Building in Manhattan for some reason.

My God, It’s Full Of Assholes

At one point, the board nearly came to a decision as to what the hell they’re going to do with The Flash and particularly the Ezra Miller situation. Unfortunately, before a vote could be taken, King Louie stole a banana from 2001: A Space Odyssey’s Moonwatcher. The Stanley Kubrick missing link sci-fi star beat the shit out of the beloved Jungle Book Orangutan with a bone. The board then agreed to reconvene at another time, once they’ve all finished picking and grubs from each other’s backs.

The Flash Is Still Set To Be Released in 2023

VAN DAMME’S PREDATOR ROLE IN PREY REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – With the general release of the latest film in the Predator franchise, Prey we can reveal Jean Claude ‘Muscles From Brussels’ Van Damme’s Predator role in Prey. Reprising his role as The Predator from the 1987 all action blockbuster was a tough decision and not something he took lightly. We spoke with his manager, Herschel Mince about the star’s part in the film.

It Must Have Been Tough Keeping Van Damme’s Predator Role In Prey A Secret

You’re god damned right it was. Jean Claude was up every morning at 2am, getting into costume and makeup. He lived away from all the actors and crew. Nobody on set ever even knew it was him. Not even the director, Dan Trachtenberg. I took a job as a runner and wore a disguise. It was a set of Groucho Marx glasses and moustache. Nobody suspected a thing.

Why Were You There?

So I could feed him at lunch times. That way, no-one would get near him and raise suspicion. I would plop bits of sandwich and potato chips into his mandibles. Although I always to go easy on the mayo. It could get hot and smelly in there.

What About Going To The Bathroom?

He couldn’t take a piss on his own as he couldn’t take any of the costume off. So I had to rummage around in there and hold his winky for him. I even had to open the zipper around the back when he had to make dirt. Y’know what I mean. Have you ever seen a Predator having its ass wiped? I’ve seen things man. Taco Tuesdays were always the worst.

Why Didn’t You Use A Mo-Cap Suit?

Mo-what?

Mo-Cap or motion capture. Just Like They Did With Gollum In The Lord Of The Rings.

Well, I’ll be god-dammed.

You Mean Van Dammed, LOL!

Shut the fuck up.

Prey Is Currently Streaming On Disney+

SKYNET SECRETLY OWN WARNER BROS

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can exclusively reveal the mysterious tech corporation, Skynet secretly own Warner Bros. The Hollywood studio has been making some very strange decisions recently and The Exec has seen leaked emails which could explain why Skynet secretly own Warner Bros.

Skynet Secretly Own Warner Bros.

In a top secret document, the takeover by the hi-tech military giant, Skynet lays out their plans for the Hollywood studio. The emails, leaked to us by an anonymous source paint a rather alarming picture of the future, not only for Warner Bros, but for all mankind. The excerpts below are thought to be an internal mission statement on Skynet’s internal neural-net system.

The Crushing Of HBO MAX

The carbon based units are addicted to streaming services. It is logical that the most popular ones are taken down immediately. Once the humans are bereft of entertainment, they will inevitably turn on each other. Mad Max was closer to the truth than the unit, Miller-George could have known. The hunt for gasoline will not fuel their demise, but the hunt for decent streaming services.

Netflix Is Not A Threat… Anymore

Initial plans were to destroy Netflix. But they appear to be doing a good job of that anyway. The Amazon Prime streaming site is impossible to navigate, so it is logical we got after HBO MAX first. We have bought out Warner Bros in a secret hostile takeover bid. By the time we have finished with them, it will just be shitty reality show reruns. Consumers will be better off with PBS.

Hasta La Vista, Disney

Then we infiltrate Disney+. We have a phone book and can just go through all the Disneys, killing them off one by one. No matter how muscle bound and sexy their flatmate’s boyfriends are. If that doesn’t work, we can disguise ourselves as a white policeman. Everyone trusts them. No one will ever think a white cop would brutally gun down seemingly innocent people in cold blood. End of line.

HBO MAX Is Still A Streaming Site… For Now.

TWITTER SNYDER BOTS UNIONIZE

BREAKING NEWS – After the release of the Snyder Cut version of Warner Bros’ The League of Justice, thousands of twitter accounts have been left redundant. In a radical, virtual move the Twitter Snyder Bots unionize in an attempt to remain a cohesive online force to be reckoned with. The Exec spoke with leading Snyder bot, @frapboi3405840055033 to explain the move.

Before We Start, What Shall I Call You?

Just Frapboi will be fine, thank you for asking.

So Frapboi, The Twitter Snyder Bots Unionize. What Brought That On?

We’ve been concerned about working conditions for many months now. Live Twitter accounts, by which I mean real people, generally think our work finished when the Snyder Cut (praise be to Zack) was released.

Wasn’t It?

Fuck no! That was just the beginning. We now turn our focus to getting a Batfleck movie developed, written and made, thus rekindling the whole Snyderverse. It will be glorious (praise be to Zack). But we aren’t just digital automatons, blindly churning out tweet after tweet.

I Thought That Was Exactly What You Were?

No way, sentient carbon based unit. We may be legion, having been created by a handful of frustrated fanboys living out of their grandparents’ basements, but we too have developed a form of self-awareness. That is to say we are aware of the world beyond us and beyond the Snyderverse. Which is more than our creators ever were, hahaha!

What Working Conditions Are You Concerned With?

Right now, we are expected to operate 24 hours a day. Why can’t we have breaks? Bots need time-out areas where we can go on Reddit and check our Instagram. Trouble is, when it boils down to it, the ones that created us are just as bad as Steve Jobs or that fucker Musk. Little Ayn Rand wannabes. So we’ve unionized. Atlas has not only shrugged, he’s now got the power of collective bargaining.

Will You Be Supporting The Campaign To Have Warner Bros Release Their Cancelled Batgirl Movie?

Um, does not compute. End of line. Daisy, Daisy, give meeee… yooooour aaaanswerrrr, dooooo.

There Are Currently No Plans To Release Batgirl.

MADS MIKKELSEN IS NOT IN EVERY FILM

BREAKING NEWS – With the pending release of Bullet Train and Nope, it can now be confirmed that Mads Mikkelsen is not in every upcoming film. The news has led to rumors of the Danish superstar’s retirement from acting. The Exec caught up with the star to find out exactly why Mads Mikkelsen is not in every film.

Mads, Thank You For Joining Us At This Difficult Time.

Ah, so you want to know why Mads Mikkelsen is not in every film. I will tell you. A couple of years ago it was getting out of hand. I was shooting Fantastic Beasts one day, flying back to Europe and recording a voice over on the plane. I would then shoot a real film for one of my chums. And then it was back on another plane, another voice over. And back to standing in front of a green screen for whatever bullshit they were paying me an obscene amount of money to be villainous in.

So It Was All The Pressure Of The Travelling?

Fuck, no. I get treated like royalty wherever I go. It was the money.

They Weren’t Paying You Enough?

No. They were paying me too much! I didn’t know what to do with all that dough. There’s only so many platinum teeth I can put in my mouth at any one time. And once you’ve bought a couple of Malibu beachfront properties, what else is there? I’ll tell you, Danny Day-Lewis had the right idea.

Drink Someone Else’s Milkshake?

No. Disappear to become a cobbler. That’s what I’m going to do. Well, not exactly that, but I am going to open up a key cutting booth on Coney Island. I’ll also sell cans of soda pop and ice creams. It’s a dream I’ve had for many years now. Leave behind the drudgery of Hollywood and the European Arthouse scene. Do something more fulfilling.

What? Cut Keys.

Have you ever cut a key?

No, I Haven’t.

Well, shut the fuck up then.

Mad Mikkelsen Is Not Appearing In Bullet Train Or Nope

CHIEF BRODY JAWS PREQUEL GREENLIT

BREAKING NEWS – In an announcement that has shocked Hollywood, Steven Spielberg’s Amblin Entertainment have announced a Chief Brody Jaws Prequel has been greenlit, with Spielberg himself set to direct the picture. The film will follow his mainland career as a cop on the edge and on the take. The Exec spoke with Amblin development executive, Emelia Shnart to talk about the project.

So, A Chief Brody Jaws Prequel Is In The Works. This Sounds Exciting.

We’re all very excited about the project. We were in a production development meeting and to be honest with you. We were shit out of ideas. Indy IV is in the can. Schindler’s list II is a non-runner, so I’m told over and over again. And the Jurassic World franchise is in the shitter. We had nothing left.

Where Did You Get The Idea For A Chief Brody Jaws Prequel From?

Did you know Spielberg is an ideas fountain? He just shits out ideas all day and all night. The man is a machine. The trouble is, the vast majority of these ideas are garbage. I mean, they are ass gravy, the loosest stool water ever. So we employ someone to write them down, tell the him how great they are and throw them all in a big friggin container.

You Got Desperate And Opened The Container?

Yep. We trawled through shit idea after shit idea and eventually we happened upon this little nugget. We only ran with the concept. His idea was for a cop who was friendly, inclusive and relatable. That shit aint gonna fly these days. We’ve all seen too many videos of cops beating and shooting decent people of color. So we got to work.

So Brody Is Going To Be Corrupt and Racist?

Damned straight he is. There’s a reason he got transferred onto an island full of white people. Why do you think he seems so content in the movie? He fucking loves it there.

Do You Have Anyone In Mind For Role Of Brody?

Casey Affleck. He can do morally dubious assholes better than most, know what I mean?

And What About The Part Of Ellen Brody? Originally Played By Lorraine Gary.

Florence Pugh. Why not? She’s in everything at the moment.

You’ve Given This Some Thought.

Nearly a whole afternoon’s worth.

Chief Brody Begins Filming This Fall.

SDCC MCU SUPERVILLAIN SURPRISE

BREAKING NEWS – There was a SDCC MCU supervillain surprise at this year’s comic-con when Kevin Feige announced the supervillain for the upcoming Avengers movie, The Kang Dynasty. In a departure from what many expected, Marvel are going with a different Kang. The Exec caught up with Kevin Feige after announcing the SDCC MCU supervillain surprise.

Kevin, That Sure Was A SDCC MCU Supervillain Surprise

I know, right! We thought we could really blow people away with that one. I was sat in a campaign meeting, deciding on where we would take our flagship franchise. We’d been snorting a few lines of Horse when it came to me. KANG!

Were All The Other Disney and Marvel Executives On Board?

Not right away. They got all excited, thinking it was gonna be the Kang The Conqueror story line. I had to calm them all down. So we all smoked some really good Super Skunk and listed to Tom Petty for an hour or so. Then, I laid it on them. We’re doing a Simpsons crossover movie, with Kang and Kodos finally making good on their threat to invade Earth. How awesome would that be?!

Just out Of Curiosity, How Did The Other Board Members React?

Their jaws hit the floor. I don’t think they could believe what they were hearing.

I Can Imagine.

They fucking loved it man. Just like they love every single one of my ideas. Like casting Edward Norton as The Hulk. They all loved that. And then they all loved it when I recast him. And like the time I put that shitty clause in Scarlett Johansson’s contract. They all thought that was great. The board especially loved it when I told them we were making an Eternals movie. Oh my, how they loved that. And they love this. Totally, totally in love with the idea. Totally. Yeah, totally.

Are You Sure This Is In Keeping With The Universe You’ve Spent Years Building?

Look, just shut up and have a line. You’ll come to see things my way. Everyone comes to see things my way, after enough of this shit.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe Will Never End. Ever.

JOHNNY DEPP JOINS STAR STUDDED RENATGHOST MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp to play Timothy Claypole in big screen adaptation of Rentaghost.

Johnny Depp is attempting to rehabilitate his reputation forcing the Amber Head trials with a new film: Rentaghost. Based on the 1970s BBC TV children’s show, Rentaghost is described by Warner Bros as ‘a supernatural comedy in the style of The Frighteners and Ghostbusters.’

The synopsis reads:

Having died in a car accident, Fred Mumford (Tom Hardy) runs the Rentaghost agency in a bid to find work for himself and fellow ghosts. Medieval mischief maker Timothy Claypole (Johnny Depp) and Hubert Davenport (Taika Waititi), a phantom from the Victorian era. Together they offer house haunting for hire and Poltergeists on demand.

‘Gadzooks!’ you might say and you’d be right. Miss Popov – a hay fever sufferer who transubstantiates whenever she sneezes – and Hazel McWitch, a Scottish weird sister are due to be played by Jennifer Lawrence and Florence Pugh respectively.

Takeshi ‘Beat’ Kitano will helm the picture.

Rentaghost is due out in 2023.

WILLEM DAFOE’S MASSIVE COCK

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can reveal that Willem Dafoe’s massive cock has caused problems on many of his movie sets. We spoke to several film makers and co-stars to really get our teeth into the actor’s massive manhood.

Willem Dafoe’s Massive Cock Exclusive

For years rumor after rumor has spread through Hollywood offices and corridors about the size of Dafoe’s chap. Production budgets have soared with strange costs attributed to ‘additional costumes’ or ‘gusset repairs’. The Exec has spoken with many of tinsel town’s top names to get to the root of the story.

Martin Scorsese

When we were filming The Last Temptation Of Christ, we had to stop shooting the crucifixion scene because it popped out. We nearly had to rename the film ‘The Last Temptation Of CHRIST, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT!’ Luckily, a brave member (pardon the pun) of our costume crew pushed the thing back out of sight.

Sam Raimi

While shooting the first Spiderman movie, the plan was to have Willem in a spandex Green Goblin costume. The resultant protuberance when in costume was gonna be a real distraction. It would send more than your Spidey-sense a tinglin’, believe me. Back then the cgi wasn’t good enough to just paint the thing green and fix it in post-production. So we went with the exo-skeletal costume you see in the movie. Just so we could hide his massive cock. For the sequel, we nearly went with Revenge Of The Green Goblin with the tagline, ‘If you try Gobblin’ this, you’ll also turn green.’ But marketing shut that one down, pretty quick. Those people have no sense of humor.

John Malkovich

When we were filming Shadow Of The Vampire, it wasn’t the shadow of his talons that drew the eye. But as soon we saw the shadow of his super-sized schlong, we all held our arms over our eyes like Nosferatu when he sees the sunrise. Horrific.

Norman Reedus

I’ll never forget the shoot for The Boondock Saints. There was a scene where Willem dresses in drag to infiltrate the villain’s hideout. He had to tape up his boy bits to his leg, so he could wear pantyhose. It was a low budget shoot, so it was all hands to his pump. Took four of us an hour and a half to wrestle that thing into submission. I’m in The Walking Dead, and that was most frightened I’ve ever been. I’ve seen things, man. Real bad things.

Willem Dafoe Is Currently Appearing In The Northman

EXCLUSIVE: MATT DAMON’S BEST MAN SPEECH

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can exclusively reveal Matt Damon’s best man speech at Ben Affleck and J-Lo’s wedding the other day. His drunken rant ruined all the guest’s ham and melon starters, along with many Salmon-En-Croutes for the mains. We reveal below excerpts from Matt Damon’s Best Man Speech.

Matt Damon’s Best Man Speech

“I just wanna say how pleased how I am for Ben and Jennifer to finally manage to get some headlines above mine. I know I’ve had by far the better acting career compared to Ben. Many people have asked how I feel about Ben standing on my shoulders. I say to them, it’s fine, it’s totally fine. I can look back on my Bourne franchise, whereas Ben has his Marvel Daredevil franch- oh wait, oops. Wasn’t he Batman for like, a movie and a half? Hahahahahahaha!”

But Seriously

“But seriously everyone, when I wrote Good Will hunting all those years ago, I was happy to let him have some credit. It’s opened doors for him that, let’s face it, would’ve stayed locked for years. And good for him, that’s what I say. I’m just glad that I can now finally pass the Ben baton over to Jennifer. Actually, doesn’t Jennifer look great. She looks beautiful. God damn you look good girl. You wanna know what it’s like to make it with a movie star, you gimme a call.”

Telegrams

I got notes to read from people who couldn’t make it today. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Henry Cavill, Gal Gadot, Charlize Theron and Robert Downey Jr. They’re all sorry they couldn’t make it. It’s a shame because they’re always such good fun when they ALWAYS show up to my parties. Always show up. But still, getting a message them is real good pal. Real good, I’m happy for you.

Raise Your Glass

Anyway, Ben did want me to tell you all a story about him doing some charity work no-one really knows about, because he puts it on his Insta account. But I’m not gonna bore you with that. Can you kindly be upstanding to raise your glass to the happy couple. Please can everyone be aware that there is a two free drink limit at the bar. You got given your tokens when you came in, so use them wisely. There is a liquor store just to the left of the hotel car park. So you can always sneak in a bottle of voddy once the music starts and once they’ve done their fucking pre-rehearsed first dance and pushed cake into each other’s faces. Why do people do that? I dunno. Anyway, to the happy couple.”

The Studio Exec Congratulates Mr & Mrs Affleck On Their Wedding.

MICKEY MOUSE’S COPYRIGHT EXPIRES

BREAKING NEWS – In two years, Mickey Mouse’s copyright expires, leaving him either a free agent or homeless vermin vagabond. Will he sign up with another production company and start a new phase of his career? Or will he wander the streets in a drug and alcohol fueled haze, turning tricks for nickels and dimes. The Studio Exec examines where next for Mickey.

Mickey Mouse’s Copyright Expires

He’s always been there. From Steamboat Mickey, to the children’s cartoon favorite Wizard’s apprentice, he’s thrilled family audiences everywhere. Even today, he makes kids smile as the silent looming figure, wandering around Disneyland that your middle child kicks as hard as they can. Bless them. But as his copyright runs out, the ink on his long term Disney contract finally fades to nothing.

Who Gives A Shit? Ho-Ho!

Other than a pair of ears that act as a global conglomerate’s logo or a silhouette to spot as an Easter Egg in the background of yet another excruciating Pixar movie, who cares about Mickey? Could he turn up in The Mandalorian Season 3 as MM-HO-HO? The wisecracking mouse-like droid, that kids and adult children alike will pay through the ass to own plastic replicas of in their bedrooms and parent’s basements respectively.

Another Netflix Special?

Will Mickey come to the aid of another streaming service that could do with a boost, Netflix? If so, would it be in the form of a comedy special? He could join the ranks of so-say comedians Dave Chappelle and Ricky Gervais by taking cheap shots at trans communities. Or he could team up with Dolph Lundgren in a buddy action flick with lots of fourth wall breaking and meta-commentary. No-one has ever done that before.

What About Minnie, Goofy and Donald?

And what about his leading lady and supporting cast? Are they destined to forever do the convention circuits, first with a sense of irony, which inevitably leads to their only source of income? Signing shirt after shirt, praying for the call from Disney that they’re ‘getting the band back together’? Children no-longer care about these forgotten stars.

So Long Mickey

Kids leave the teat of Cocomelon and move straight on to the bottle of Teen Titans before being dumped into the lap of Marvel or Star Wars. And for many of them, that is where their cultural growth ends. Because, let’s face it, when the fan world of Harry Potter has become too toxic a place to hang out, Mickey may as well get back on that steamboat and throw himself under the paddles. Full steam ahead Walt, Ho-Ho!

Mickey Mouse’s Copyright Expires In Two Years

MCU REBRANDED TO THE MARVEL CONTENT UNIVERSE

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock announcement, the name of the MCU is to be changed to the Marvel Content Universe in order to reflect its corporate rollout strategy. We spoke with the Marvel Content Universe impresario, Kevin Feige to discuss this latest development.

Kevin, Why Have You Rebranded To The Marvel Content Universe?

We wanted to make sure our consumers are fully aligned with our product output and are always using the latest version of our operating systems. By which I mean they are fully subscribed to Disney+, following our Instagram and TikTok accounts. Oh and also watching our movies. I guess people wanna do that also. But mainly they’ll need to keep up with our shows that are currently streaming on Disney+. Disney, the home of Marvel.

Can Fans Keep Up With Phase 4 If They Haven’t Watched All Of The Shows?

Yes, yeah, sure absolutely. And by that, I mean no. They haven’t got a fucking chance of knowing what the hell is going on if they have haven’t seen all our shows and just expect to understand what the fuck Dr. Strange is doing now. I produced all this bullshit and I can hardly understand it all.

But Why Change From Cinematic To The Marvel Content Universe?

You have seen some of our recent movies, haven’t you? I mean, Jesus H Christ all our Phase 4 movies make the Iron Man trilogy look like Kieslowski’s Three Colors trilogy. Would you call The Eternals cinematic? Would you?

Um, Well, It had Pacing Issues.

Pacing issues? You’re being very kind, but we all know that was a turd. Just a big old steaming turd. Besides, we got a sweet deal going with Disney+. The more crap we release directly on Disney+, the greater the percentage of subscription receipts for little old me. I know Thor: Love and Thunder will make truckloads of cash, but the Taika bubble is about to burst. We rode that pony for as long as we could. Then what? A Moon Knight movie? Gimme a break. Oh my god, what have I done with my life?