HOLLYWOOD – Due to a union dispute it looks likely that War of the Planet of the Apes won’t features apes.
Following a protracted legal dispute, it is now becoming likely that Matt Reeves new film War of the Planet of the Apes will be the first in the franchise not to feature the rebellious primates.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Matt Reeves has discussed for the first time the fraught conditions and legal wrangles which has placed his production in serious danger:
The fact of the matter is after the success of the first two films, the apes have let it go a little to their head and Doodles – the ape who plays Cesar – has started making exorbitant demands. A 500% wage hike, unlimited bananas and something he calls a ‘groomer’ to be on call 24 hours a day. It’s crazy. We knew that if we gave way to him, we’d have to give the same things to the rest of the cast and there are literally thousands of these Goddamned monkeys.
However, Doodles has a different view of the matter:
First off, Doodles is my slave name. I prefer to be called Andy Serkis. It’s the name I’ve chosen for myself. Secondly, all this guff about bananas. That’s just humancentric speciesism. You assholes have got us picking flees and eating bananas and dressing up in human clothes for novelty calendars for too long. We have identities and feelings and I’d ask the studio this, do you think anyone is coming to the films to see James Franco? Or Jason Clarke? No, I didn’t think so.
In spite of the apeless planet, Matt Reeves is convinced that the new film will be as good as the ones that came before.
The monkey thing was getting a bit tired anyway. This film we’re using giraffes. They’re cheap and much funnier with their goofy necks.