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Saturday 23 September 2017
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TIMOTHY DALTON SIGNS ON FOR OLD BOND

TIMOTHY DALTON SIGNS ON FOR OLD BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Timothy Dalton will return as James Bond in a spin off 007 project provisionally titled Old Bond.

Timothy Dalton came into the Studio Exec Bungalow to talk about the new project earlier today.

We watched Logan and we thought this is bloody brilliant. So I phoned Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and I said, ‘Listen you Bloody Bastards, I want to play Bond again. But as an old geezer!’ They said no initially. But then I called them bastards and told them bollocks. And after a while they gave in.

So what will the story consist of?

Of course, being older Bond has other concerns than simply saving the world. He has terrible hemorrhoids and he needs to go to the chemist and get some cream. Then there’s his arthritis and the stair lift is cousin sold him is shit. All the policemen are getting younger and there are too many immigrants for his taste. He spends a lot of time watching old World War Two war films and cheering. However, he is dragged out retirement by his dislike of the Daniel Craig Bond films. It’s very meta.

What?

Yeah. And he decides to take over and do the job properly. So he kidnaps Daniel Craig and beats the shit out of him. In my screenplay this goes on for like pages and pages. He calls him a bloody bastard a lot as well.

And then what happens?

Then he beats him up some more. Actually that’s it until the end. It turns into a bit of a Hostel kind of film.

Old Bond will be released in 2019.

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