LOS ANGELES – Earlier this evening in one of the high class dining places in West Hollywood, Mel Gibson was enjoying a quiet dinner with a couple of intimate friends (Whoopi Goldberg and Vin Diesel), when Woody Allen walked in.
‘Woody spotted Mel immediately,’ said one patron of Chez Dave. ‘He just took a bee-line to him and got right in his face, pointing his finger and shouting, “You’re right motherfucker, we did start the wars. And here comes another one, ASSHOLE!” and then he jumped him.’
Many were worried that the small New York quipster had bitten off more than he could chew by confronting the Australian action star, but Billy Crystal begs to differ. ‘I once made a gag about not thinking Woody Allen was funny until I heard him play the clarinet,’ Crystal said today, holding up his mangled hand. ‘He bit my goddamn finger clean off.’
The fight was over in less than a minute. Mel was in the process of standing up holding his hands out to placate the 77 year old director when Allen pounced, launched his famous two fist attack.
‘It’s like he’s a superhero whose powers are enhanced in the presence of anti-Semitism,’ said waiter Keely Johnson. ‘He had Gibson on the ground in no time. And was just pounding on his face with two fists. Man, he just totally kicked Gibson’s ass up and down the restaurant.’
The police arrived some minutes later, but Gibson – or The Beaver as he now likes to be known – refused to press charges, mumbling through broken teeth that ‘I have learned a valuable lesson and will my mend my ways.’
Woody Allen after applying ice to his slightly swollen hands sat down and enjoyed the lobster as if nothing had happened.
Woody Allen’s new film We Start the Wars will be released in 2018.