SWEDEN – Kanye West, hip hop artist, fashionista and future presidential candidate, has been captured in IKEA in Almhult, Sweden.
The capture of Kanye West comes after a month long attempt by Scandinavian authorities to capture the hip hop star and keep him away from the general public. The Swedish Foreign Secretary said:
Here in Sweden we are usually extremely tolerant, but Kanye West is what you Americans call I believe a ‘blowhard’. And we have become increasingly irritated with him. It started all the way back at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift. We love Taylor Swift. And Beck. Poor Beck.
So you captured him in an IKEA?
Yes, the plan was simple. Unbeknownst to most people the original IKEAs were designed during the Second World War as a defence against the invading armies. They were basically labyrinths with furniture. It didn’t take much to retrofit an IKEA into an impassable maze and then lure Kanye with praise and money. He really doesn’t have much apparently.
Once inside the IKEA it is almost impossible to get him out. I mean we can’t go in to get him because we would get lost, so he will stay in there for the rest of his life.
You’re fucking kidding!?
No, we’re not. He will survive because of the meatballs and the salmon that we left for him on little paper plates. He will live to a ripe old age, but he will never get out and never be able to release a record ever again. Unfortunately, he will still be able to tweet.