NEW YORK – Scientists have discovered that purchasing a copy of Beyonce’s latest album, Lemonade, significantly reduces your risk of contracting cancer.
“We weren’t as shocked as you might think,” said Professor Blaine Rouse.
Just last year we proved conclusively that prolonged exposure to Katy Perry cures the common cold but unfortunately our research was ridiculed because it was entirely funded by Katy Perry’s record company. I would like to reiterate again that even when I was at Katy’s VIP parties drinking free cocktails and snorting blow off the backsides of strippers, I always managed to retain my professional impartiality.
Professor Blaine went on to say that Lemonade’s cancer-beating abilities are beyond doubt:
We played the album to 100 people and not one of them contracted cancer. This is a major breakthrough and we’ve just received major backing to continue our research.
Despite the good news, the Professor did offer a word of caution:
For some reason Lemonade’s healing properties only work if you listen to it on the Tidal app. If you download it from itunes it doesn’t have the same effect, in fact your risk of getting one of the real bad cancer’s increases. You know, like face cancer or the one that makes your piss turn green.
Lemonade is available now.